Tourney -or- Bully, Weenie, and Fuzzball Win a Fight
by Koko-chan1
Summary: A great lord of the Makai has passed away with no heirs, and the lands are to be awarded as a prize in a great tournament. Fifth in the Harlequin Series. Kurama/Hiei, Kuwabara/Yukina, Yuusuke/Keiko Crack, violence, and Yuusuke losing his temper.


**A/N: Warnings for violence. And the fact that like the rest of this series, there is a serious case of "Timeline? What Timeline?" We were writing these for fun and to show our love of the series, but we still had little to no actual knowledge of the real storyline past the Dark Tournament at this point, and that was still pretty spotty. As for the cameos in this fic...no, my friends and I had no shame. Let's just leave it at that. ^_^**

Tourney

-or-

Bully, Weenie, and Fuzzball Win a Fight

by The Blue Spanch and Koko-chan

ooooo

Lord Furuenai lay in bed, glaring wearily at the ceiling tiles as his body quietly disintegrated around him. Nearby, his most faithful Oni sat in a plain wooden chair in case he wanted anything. Furuenai allowed himself a spark of wry amusement; he wouldn't be wanting much more than a decent burial before long. He wasn't half as worried about dying as he was about the fate of his lands. When he had staked them out a thousand years ago, they were nothing but open grassland, rocky mountains, and thick pine forests; undeveloped and useless. Things had changed a great deal since then. Fertile farmlands had replaced the grasslands, and the moa rookeries produced birds famous for their size and stamina. Rare healing herbs and exotic furs and spices were to be found in the forests, to say nothing of the excellent lumber. The mountains concealed rich mines in their stony slopes, with several deposits of the rare and prized star opals. His city and surrounding towns were prosperous, and he had heartily encouraged his resident inventors to come up with all sorts of interesting and profitable gadgets.

Then he fell ill.

He'd never bothered to produce any heirs, and he hadn't yet found anyone of his own rank worthy of being named one. All of his relatives had either gotten themselves killed in useless little wars or duels long since, so that was no option. Furuenai was fairly sure that his illness had been caused by one of his rivals; the whole lot of them had been slavering around his well-patrolled borders for centuries now. "Mike." He said, wincing inwardly at how his voice had changed. His resonant baritone had become a raspy whisper.

"Yes, Master?" His Oni said, springing to attention.

"I'm not going to get better, am I?" Furuenai rasped.

"Well," Mike said with the forced brightness one uses around a terminal patient. "The healer says that with time-"

"I don't _have_ time, Mike." Furuenai interrupted. "I can feel death creeping up on my heart. I've lived for more than a thousand years, so I know the difference between life and death. This sure doesn't feel like life, Mike. Does the healer have any idea of what this malady is?"

Mike sighed, deflated and hopeless. "Not really. The Ningens have something like it. They call it AIDS."

"A stupid name for such an unpleasant disease. I take it that they've never been able to cure it either?"

"No, Master."

"Damn." Furuenai traced a crack in the ceiling with the one eye that still focussed properly. After a while, he spoke again. "There'll be a Tourney, you know. For my lands. They're too good to just let go. Every street tough, sorcerer, and scoundrel will flock around to try their hand at taking them. Dear gods, but could you imagine what someone like Yomi would do to this place? Just to make their lives difficult, I want to set the rules."

"What?" Mike said, surprised.

"I know that it's unusual. For the most part, the previous owners of disputed territories are too dead to set the rules. I'm not quite dead yet." He drew in a painful breath. "Now listen carefully."

He paused a moment to let his favorite servant search his pockets for a notepad and pen. "Ready, Master."

"Good man. Rule one: Nobody is to be barred from the competition. That means that all folks regardless of species, sex, religion, color, creed, or anything else can fight.

"Rule two: This is a to-the-death tournament, but if a fighter wants to forfeit the match, that's fine.

"Rule three: The contestants are to come in teams of at least four. No single fighters.

Rule four: The matches will be in four rounds- first round is singles, second round is doubles, third is full team battle, and the fourth is singles again, with one player from each team having it out with another. Keep that up with the last round till there's only one left standing.

"Rule five- and here's the kicker: The competing teams are to be called up randomly. Write down the names, give each team a jar and throw the names in. Pick 'em out at random. That oughtta rattle some cages."

"It sure would." Mike said. "I'm not positive that the officials would follow your rules, though."

"Oh, they'd better." Furuenai said with a wheezing laugh. "I'll haunt 'em all into an early grave if they don't. My word upon it!"

Mike jotted that down for good measure. Few people would care to risk having a malicious poltergeist floating around the place, causing all sorts of trouble. "Anything else, Master?"

No answer.

"Master?"

Furuenai lay still as a marble statue, eyes unfocused and a faint smile on his face. He wasn't breathing.

"Oh, nuts." Mike muttered. Then he burst into tears.

ooooo

He was right, though. The Tourney Masters weren't very happy about Furuenai's rules when they came to oversee the preparations. Mike stood nervously in the middle of them, clutching his notebook in a white-knuckle grip. "This is highly unusual." One sniffed. "I don't see why we should do it this way."

"Well, it is his dying bequest." Another said. "Respect must be paid to the dead, after all."

"Don't be ridiculous." Snapped the third. "I am not about to open a _respectable_ competition to a bunch of _lower-class_ riff-raff! And this 'random choice' nonsense? Absurd. Not to mention the forfeiting option. I could go on for hours about why _that_ is totally out of the question-"

He didn't have to. A bolt of lightning lanced out of the clear blue sky and crisped the officious demon on the spot, leaving nothing but a greasy smear on the stones and a foul-smelling wisp of smoke.

"Then again," The first Tourney Master said weakly. "Respecting our dear, departed neighbor's wishes might not be a bad idea after all."

"Indeed." The second one replied. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go burn some incense."

ooooo

Within a week, the colosseum was made ready. The floors, walls, and bleachers were freshly scrubbed, the locker rooms were ferociously fumigated, and all manner of flags, banners, and buntings had been prepared. All it needed now were some contestants. The notices went out and every tree, lamp-post, and example of tacky public statuary was plastered all over with them. Before long, the fighters started streaming in from all corners of the Makai, all of them determined to beat the shit out of everyone else. Some famous teams and singles were hard to get a hold of, though. The remaining two Tourney Masters weren't going to make the effort of calling them in, but the local merchant princes insisted. This Tourney was setting up to be the biggest economic boom since the Ankoku Bujutskai, so why not invite the more notorious and unusual folks? A bit of discreet bribery ensured the presence of these most elusive and esoteric of people.

The one problem with this was actually getting the invitations to these people. The task was given to a volunteer, a young and agile Cat-spirit by the name of Yaru, who had a liking for strange adventures. Yaru found his liking start to fade as he delivered the notices, however. Many of the fighters who received his message were excessively grumpy, territorial, and in one case, hungry. If that wasn't bad enough, some of the places he had to go were impossible!

"I just can't do it any more!" He exclaimed to the Harlequin as the molasses blooped stickily around him. "I just can't!"

Yaru had located the God of Chaotic Silly in a tent in a wandering carnival. Unfortunately, he had also discovered that the 'Quin had a broad sense of humor when it came to designing booby traps. Right now, he was sitting in a vat of cold molasses, draped with Silly-String and dusted liberally with confetti. The Harlequin was perched sideways on one of the tent's support poles, watching him with those luminous yellow eyes. "Can't do what?" The 'Quin asked.

"Deliver these notices!" Yaru moaned. "See? Even the Gods have trouble getting to the Shattered Lands! How in Stan's name am I supposed to get over there?"

"Who do you need to contact?" The Harlequin asked, curiosity peaked. "If it's an artichoke or a green weasel, you're out of luck. The Orgulous Space Squid took them blender-hunting on the were-slopes of Hairy Ionia, and they haven't come back yet."

Yaru gave him a funny look and wordlessly held up the treacle-smeared guest list. The Harlequin floated over and peered at it. "Oh, hey, a Tournament!" He said happily. "And here I am on the list. Good. Tell you what, sprat; I'll contact the Shattered-Land fellas for you, while you alert the last five folks on the list. Is all hunky-dory with that?"

"Okay." Yaru said, quite willing to let someone else get beat up on by peevish privacy-loving fighters. "Could you give me a hand here? I'm stuck."

"Oh! Sorry. I'm still on a molasses kick. Here we go-"

Five minutes later, Yaru sat alone on the floor of the tent, clean, damp and gasping for breath. Geysers were nice to look at, but they were no fun to shower in. With a grunt, he stood up, looked at his list to make sure he knew where to go, and then headed for the Ningenkai.

ooooo

Yaru came out of Interspace in a very pleasant temple garden; well, it was pleasant for the first few seconds, at least. A blast of energy blew him clean out of his socks not half a minute after his arrival. With a yowl of pain and surprise, he scampered halfway up a tree, then turned his head to try and catch a glimpse of his attacker. A short, elderly lady with pinkish hair and a ball of crackling force clutched tightly in one hand was standing on the grass, glaring angrily at him. What the hell do you think you were doing, Fuzz-ass?" She demanded. "Stay out of my daisies!"

Sure enough, he had arrived in the middle of a well-tended flower bed. "I'm sorry, Genkai! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Yaru wailed. "Don't shoot the messenger!"

That raised an eyebrow. "What's the message?"

"Here!" Yaru threw her a sheet of paper.

Deftly she caught it before the wind could, and began to read. "Damn." She muttered. "Furuenai's dead?"

Yaru nodded.

"I'm afraid you'll have to tell your bosses that I can't come. I sprained my knee chasing gophers out of the garden yesterday."

"My sympathies. How'd that happen?"

"I was using cherry bombs and Super-Soakers. It's a bit hard on the lawn, but it's loads of fun."

"I'll have to take your word for it." Yaru said, and then left.

ooooo

There is an old saying that states: "Black cats walk through walls". Yaru was no exception to this rule as he entered the Urameshi residence. He found Yuusuke in the living room, cuddling with Keiko. "Hello! Hello! I bring a-"

 _ **WHAM!**_

The next thing he knew, he was flat on his back with a lump on his head. Keiko was looming fearsomely over him with a huge mallet in her hands. "Telegram for the ingenue." He said muzzily, holding up the notice. "I'm gonna pass out now."

Yuusuke took the paper from Yaru's unresisting fingers and read it.

"What is it, Yuusuke?" Keiko asked, leaning the mallet on one shoulder.

"Some Makai lord died and there's a tournament for his lands. I've just been invited. Cool!"

"Those things are fights to the death, aren't they?" Keiko said, worried.

"Yeah, but there's some funny rules to this one. Even if I lose, I stand a good chance of coming out alive."

"I take it that you're not going to lose, if you can help it. There's no chance of me talking you out of this, is there?"

"Nope! This sounds like fun."

" _Men!_ All right. Hold on while I wake up our messenger."

Keiko fetched a bucket of water and tipped it out onto the recumbent Yaru, who came awake with a squawk of protest. "Eeech! Water!"

Yuusuke smiled cheerfully at the dripping cat-spirit. "You can count me in for the Tourney, pal. Thanks for the warning."

"You're welcome. I wish that I had some. This wench of yours is a fast hand with a hammer!" Yaru said, getting up.

" _Wench?!_ " Keiko shouted angrily and swung her mallet at Yaru, but it sailed through empty air; Yaru was wise enough to duck back out, leaving the girl to fume impotently. "Oooh, that cat!"

"He's right, though," Yuusuke laughed. "You are good with that thing!"

Keiko whacked him one for good measure.

ooooo

Kurama and Hiei lay on the bed, exploring each other's bodies with gentle, questing hands. _So small,_ Kurama mused, tracing his lover's muscles with his fingertips. _And yet so strong, so athletic, and warm to the touch._ He drew one hand down the Koorime's spine, delighting in the reflexive shudder that his touch triggered. _So very graceful, and he's mine._

Hiei was bemused by this intimacy, a most rare occurrence for him. He combed Kurama's flaming locks with his fingers, fascinated by the soft, silken texture and those green, green eyes. He moved his hands down Kurama's back, feeling the deliciously alive, velvety skin that stretched tautly over firm muscle... _I wonder what else I might find underneath his clothing._ He thought, and decided to find out.

"Hello the house! Oh, dear, this isn't the best of times, is it- _ooomph!_ "

Kurama suddenly found himself alone in the bed.

"Aaaaahhh! No! Please don't kill me! Help! Rabid Koorime!"

"Wretched cat! I'll slice off your tail and make you eat it!" Hiei's voice came from somewhere near floor level.

Kurama swivelled himself around so that he could see what was going on. Hiei was perched snarling on a cat-spirit's chest, menacing the frightened feline with his shining katana.

Yaru caught sight of Kurama, and figured that the fox would be easier to reason with than the volcanic-tempered fire-demon who was sitting on his ribs. "Help, Kurama! Call your firebaby off!"

Hiei did not like being called a firebaby, especially by some fuzz-assed stranger. He was about to put an end to this annoying intruder, but Kurama interrupted him.

"Cool it, Hiei." Kurama said calmly, resting his chin on one hand. "I want to know why he came here."

"Don't wanna." Hiei growled. "How 'bout I just kill him and we go through his pockets?"

"Aiieee!" Yaru squeaked.

Kurama pretended to consider it. Genuinely curious though he was, he didn't approve of having his intimate moments barged in upon, either. "No, Hiei." He said finally. "If you do that, we may never find the reason. Besides, you know how hard it is to get bloodstains out of this carpet. They always upset my mother, too."

Hiei sheathed his sword, grumbling obscenities under his breath. He didn't get off of Yaru, though.

"Thanks, pal." Yaru said, and started feeling around in his pockets. "I bring you two a message from... Oh, never mind."

Hiei was holding the folded papers loosely in one hand. "What do they say?" He asked, handing them to Kurama.

Kurama read the notices and raised an eyebrow. "Lord Furuenai died a week or two ago." He said. "They're holding a Tourney for his territory."

It was Hiei's turn to raise his eyebrows. "Furuenai? I've been to his place before. Good pickings, with all those star opals."

 _K-ching!_

They paused for a moment to consider that. Unabashed greed met unabashed greed as their eyes locked on each other, and they shared a smile. Why not? Together they made a dandy team. "Count us in." Kurama said, speaking for the both of them.

"Fine." Yaru said, a little breathlessly. "Hiei, would you please get off? I have one more notice to deliver, and then I can go home and hide."

"Who's the lucky one?" Hiei asked, getting up.

"Some guy named Kuwabara."

Hiei snorted with amusement. "You shouldn't have too much trouble with that one. That big ox couldn't find his behind with a magnifying glass."

"Maybe, but he might find mine with his foot. I am never volunteering for anything ever again." Yaru said as he departed.

ooooo

Yaru found Kuwabara in the Arcade, beating the snot out of one of the games. Since this was a much more public place, Yaru elected to use the doors instead of coming through the wall. He waited politely until Kuwabara had finished, then moved to tap him on the shoulder. "Excuse me, I- _Yike!_ "

Kuwabara did not like being tapped on the shoulder by unfamiliar people, especially not after he'd lost a video game by _that much_. "What?"

"Urk!" Was all that Yaru could manage at the moment. Kuwabara was holding him several inches off the ground by the front of his shirt.

"Annoying person!" Kuwabara snapped. "I, the great Kuwabara Kazuma, will pummel you for irritating me while I'm in a poopy mood!"

"Hey!" Yaru cried. "Don't do it, man! There's rules that forbid killing heralds!"

"What?" Kuwabara said, puzzled.

"Look, dude, you want your mail or not?"

Kuwabara, it seemed, was not the only one in a poopy mood at the moment. Yaru had been bullied all day by folks who were bigger and meaner than he was, but damned if he was going to take that kind of shit from a pompous Ningen!

"Oh, sorry." Kuwabara said.

Yaru dug the paper out of a pocket and handed it to Kuwabara, who dropped him on the floor. The cat spirit landed with a thud on his rear and sat there, glaring at the human as he struggled though the notice's elaborate calligraphy. Yaru sighed to himself. When all this was over with, he was going to find the sadist that sent him out on this job and toss up a hairball down his shirt.

"Hey, cat," Kuwabara said, interrupting his reverie. "Is this tourney going to be anything like the last one?"

"A bit more low-key." Yaru replied. "Furuenai didn't have all that much land, but what he had was and still is really good."

"Cool!" Kuwabara said, and struck a dramatic pose. "Then I, the Great Kuwabara Kazuma, will go forth to battle, and nothing will stand in my way, for- Hey, where'd you go?"

Yaru had left, unwilling to listen to another speech. If he wanted hot air, he'd poke a hole in a blimp.

ooooo

The next day, the Spirit Detectives met in the park to show off their invitations. It was a bit of a disappointment for them when they found that they all had received them. "Drat!" Yuusuke said. "And here I was, all set to gloat at the rest of you guys!"

"Shut up, Yuusuke." They chorused.

"Well, the paper did say that only teams of four or more were allowed to enter." Kurama said. "We'll just go together as usual."

They agreed, and Kurama opened a gate to the Colosseum in the Makai. When they arrived, a busy scene met their eyes. A thronging tent city had been built over the last few days, and warriors and sorcerers and merchants of every species and description wandered through the crowd or sparred in clear areas. The Colosseum rose from the center of it all like a giant iceberg built of gleaming marble, hung around with bright-colored decorations. The air was filled with voices and the clash of weapons, and the occasional _fizz_ and _zapp_ of warring magic crackled through the noise. It smelled not all that unpleasantly of food, heat-soured ale, ozone, and lots and lots of people.

"Wow." Said Yuusuke, summing it all up in one word.

Kurama hitched his backpack a little higher on his shoulders. "We'd better go and register with the officials." He said. "They don't like gate-crashers."

"Could we hold off on doing that for a little while?" Kuwabara asked a little plaintively. "I haven't had lunch yet, and that cafe over there smells really good."

"I'm feeling a little empty, myself." Yuusuke added.

Kurama was about to protest, but Hiei picked his pocket right then and there, and headed off in the direction of the eatery. They shrugged and followed him.

It wasn't a large cafe, but it was clean, cool, cheap, and it _did_ smell very good. They found some menus and an empty table and sat down, whereupon Yuusuke took out a bit of paper and a pen. "Okay, who wants what?"

Everybody suggested enough dishes to feed twice their number, but considering just how hungry they were at the moment, it sounded fine. Yuusuke wrote them all down and went off with Kurama to purchase lunch. It took them two trips to get it all back to their table. They spent the first fifteen minutes stuffing their faces, so they didn't notice the two new arrivals who sat down at the table across from them. This was surprising, since the outfit that one of them was wearing caused the security camera to explode.

"Good gods!" Yuusuke said, swallowing hard to keep from throwing up. "A prismatic wardrobe!"

He wasn't kidding. The man sitting across from them eating a banana-split pizza was wearing the most impossible garment in all three worlds. It was of all colors, specifically the worst possible shades thereof, and they shifted and flickered like strobe lights and liquid crystal. It wasn't just clashing; it was all-out war.

His partner seemed almost mundane by comparison. He was almost too tall to fit his legs under the table, and his skin had an unusual reddish cast. He wore tight black shorts and a tank top of the same hue, and four swords were tattooed on his broad, heavily-muscled shoulders. His hair was silvery-white, and shaved on both sides; the rest was plaited in five cornrow braids that met in a ponytail at the nape of his neck. He was, understandably, wearing polarized sunglasses. At the moment, he was eating a salad with a look of strange pleasure on his face, as though he had never tasted ordinary lettuce before. There was something hauntingly familiar about the both of them...

"Harlequin?" Kurama said, squinting against the glare. "Is that you?"

The exceptionally poorly-dressed man turned to gaze at them with eyes of luminous topaz. "Yup!" He said happily. "I'm incognito!"

"Not in that getup." Yuusuke laughed. "Who's your buddy?"

"You truly don't know?" The red man rumbled, removing his shades. "This is a better disguise than I thought." His eyes were large, black, and faceted.

"Weenie?" Hiei said, eyes lighting up.

"Bully!" The Piper replied, standing up and sweeping Hiei into a huge bear hug.

He nearly fell over, so he had to put Hiei down in something of a hurry. "Watch what you're doing, you great lummox!" Hiei snapped.

"Sorry." Piper said, steadying himself on the back of a chair. "I'm used to having four legs and a tail, so my balance isn't that good at the moment."

An evil glint came to Hiei's eyes. Standing up as tall as he could, he gave the Piper a light shove with one hand. With a yelp of surprise, the co-ruler of the Shattered Lands fell flat on his back. Hiei grinned and sat on his chest.

"Aaah! Rotten fire-child!" The Piper sputtered in mock fury. "Your toenails to be trimmed with a six-foot lochaber axe! May your underwear drawer be invaded by slime molds! Nasty little bully!"

"Weenie." Hiei responded calmly.

"Bully!"

"Weenie!"

"Bully!"

With a whimper, Yuusuke slid under the table.

Kuwabara turned to the Harlequin, who had gone back to his pizza. "What's with the disguises?" He asked.

"Practice." The 'Quin replied. "Piper wants to be able to visit the Ningenkai again, but he can't do it while he looks like something out of a nightmare. He'll still attract attention, but at least this way he'll attract cops instead of the Ghostbusters. He hasn't quite gotten all the details right, though."

"And you? You look like a psychotic disco on drugs."

"I'm keeping him company, of course. Whee! It's like Halloween, but different. Have some pizza? It's really good."

Kuwabara eyed the stuff on the 'Quin's plate with deep suspicion. "No thanks." He said with mild disgust. "Fudge sauce and mozzarella cheese just don't mix."

"Suit yourself. Mmm! Banana-licious!"

"Bleah."

Meanwhile, the Piper had pulled his little buddy off of his front by the scruff of the neck and was hauling himself to his feet. He swayed uncertainly, scowling at the floor. "How do you bipeds manage to keep upright?" He asked Kurama. "Why aren't you falling over all the time?"

"We keep our weight right under us." Yuusuke answered for Kurama, coming out from under the table.

The Piper though hard about it for a moment, and then realization crept over his face like the light of dawn. "Oh! It's the inner ear, isn't it?"

"Yes, I think so." Kurama said.

A small change was made, and the Piper seemed much more balanced now. "Yeah, that's much better. Hey!"

Hiei had hooked a foot around Piper's in an attempt to trip him up again.

"Anyway," The Harlequin said, breaking up the impending brawl. "I'm glad you guys are here. Might we team up with you? We've only got three in ours, and for some reason nobody else wants to join us."

"I don't see why not." Yuusuke said. Where's your third guy?"

"Queep!"

"Oh, no..."

Sure enough, there was Norkie, nibbling on the Piper's leftover salad. The little ginger fluffball turned to face them, drew his tiny sword, and struck a dramatic pose. "Fizz! Yah! Queep!"

'Quin smiled. "I introduce to you the one and only Ninja Norkie."

Norkie bowed as gracefully as was possible for a small round fuzzy thing, resheathed his sword, and leaped lightly onto Hiei's head and started combing his hair and purring.

Kurama tactfully removed the small strange furry thing before Hiei could explode. "What the hell." Hiei growled. "Maybe somebody will put the little rat out of my misery during the Tourney."

"Fizz! Yah!"

ooooo

Getting to the Registration Kiosk was no problem, for all the noise and confusion, but it was with some relief that they entered the Colosseum. It was quiet here, and the tall marble walls offered a cool shade that was a welcome break from the oppressive heat outside. The Kiosk itself was a pagoda-like structure, with an official-looking demon and his secretary sitting at their desks inside. The registrar looked up at them with a definite lack of enthusiasm and brought out pen, paper, and a glass jar.. "Names?" He said shortly.

"Yuusuke."

"Kuwabara."

"Kurama."

"Hiei."

"I'm the Piper."

"Harlequin."

"Fizz Queep."

"What?" The registrar said, looking quizzically at Norkie.

"He says he's Ninja Norkie." Kurama translated.

The registrar grunted, tore the paper he had written their names on into strips, and dropped them into the jar. He then handed them a key and several strips of blue cloth. "The Tournament starts tomorrow," He grated. "You're the blue team, and you are to report to the blue locker room at eight o' clock AM. Don't oversleep."

The first thing they did after registering was hunt down a place to rent a tent from. They found an Ox-spirit who was in that business and haggled mercilessly for a nice stripey waterproof one, and picked up a few blankets and things from the shop next door as well. They staked out a plot on the lee side of the Colosseum (Kurama insisted, as the nightly summer thunderstorms around here were unbelievable), set up their tent, warded it against thieves and the incurably curious, and went to amuse themselves in the crowd.

An impromptu marketplace had grown up between the tents and the sparring areas, and they strolled casually through it, looking at the goods presented. Kuwabara was drawn to the display of protective charms; bits of ensorcelled crystals and semi-precious stones wrapped skillfully in gold, silver, and copper wire and strung on braided silk cords. "I bet that Yukina would like one of these." He said a bit dreamily.

Hiei threw him a black glare, but was ignored. Hiei decided not to make an issue of it, though. Yukina could use the extra protection, even if it was offered by this carrot-headed son of a cockroach. He turned his attention back to the display of skinning knives at another booth.

Kurama examined the pendants and snorted softly. "Trash, mostly." He told his lovesick teammate. "Trinkets at best. Most of them have incomplete or badly-done enchantments. They'll conk out in a real crisis, mark my words."

Kuwabara was crushed. "Don't any of them work?"

Kurama, feeling a little sorry for him, took a closer look. "This one seems to have some depth to it." He said, picking up a slice of deep green malachite wrapped in gold.

"Perfect!" Kuwabara breathed. "How much is it?"

"They don't take Ningen cash here. Will you be paying me back anytime soon, should I get it for you?"

Kuwabara winced, but agreed. A few minutes later, he had it tucked in his pocket, and he wandered once again with the others in search of amusement. They did notice that they had lost the Harlequin somewhere in the crowd, but the Piper told them not to worry. The 'Quin could take care of himself, after all. They watched a marvelously silly pantomime, wagered a coin or two on a moa race, and studied the other combatants. These were easily recognizable from the way they moved, their method of speech, and from the way they draped themselves in blood-chilling weaponry and spandex. They were studied in turn, and Yuusuke and Kuwabara could not help strutting just a little. Hiei found this amusing. "What a pair of peacocks!" He snickered. "And a peacock, after all, is nothing but a dressed-up turkey."

Kuwabara, predictably, took grave offense to this observation. "Who are _you_ calling a turkey, you sawed-off little pipsqueak?"

Yuusuke merely rolled his eyes as the two started fencing with Rei Sword and Katana. He was used to being insulted by Hiei, and was generally too good-natured to get really angry about it.

"Queep." Suggested Norkie.

"He says: 'Let's move these yahoos to the sparring grounds.'" Kurama translated.

"Sounds good to me." The Piper replied, picked up a long pole, and started herding Kuwabara and Hiei towards an empty field.

The others followed his example. "'Scuse us!" They called. "Hot soup! Melee coming through!"

They got some funny looks from the passers-by, but a path did open for them. The fight was getting a bit serious when they reached the field, so Kurama and Yuusuke decided to do something about it. They filled a couple of buckets from a nearby well, carried them over to the fight, and promptly inundated the fighters.

"Aaaah!" Hiei did not like water. "Fox! Why you... Aaargh! Stupid fox!"

Kuwabara didn't like getting wet either, and showed them the length and breadth of his repertoire of obscenities.

Yuusuke just smiled. "C'mon, you two. We need you both to be whole and alive for the Tourney!"

"We've got seven people. We can spare just one..." Hiei growled wetly.

"And I know who that one is!" Snapped Kuwabara, Rei sword blazing anew.

This time, the Piper dumped a whole barrel of ice water on them. " _Enough!_ " He barked. "Bully, you are a bad boy. Kuwabara, you are a touchy spud. Stop it or I'll spank the both of you- both at once! Now behave!"

"You wouldn't!" Hiei said, genuinely stunned.

Wordlessly, the Piper held out his hands. They shimmered strangely, and then became visible as they truly were; Four large, scarlet-skinned hands with eight claw-tipped fingers and thickly calloused, muscular palms. "Try me." He said in final tones as his hands shimmered back into human shape.

Hiei and Kuwabara shared an unhappy look and edged carefully away from each other. They did not need to go into battle tomorrow with sore behinds and bruised egos.

A commotion erupted from another sparring ground, startling them all. A thick crowd had gathered over there, cheering heartily. Curious, our heroes went to investigate. They soon learned the reason for all the cheering. Yomi stood at one end of the court, a cruel steel-tipped cat-o-nine tails held in one hand. At the other end stood the Harlequin, armed with a huge blueberry pie and a fistful of confetti. Kurama's face was nearly split in half by his grin. "I see a confetti wedgie coming." He murmured.

Just then, something strange happened. Two girls dragged a young man onto the sidelines. He had been crammed into a stripey black and red cheerleaders' outfit, his long brown hair had been tied up in pigtails with red and black ribbons, and he clutched a pair of pompons in his hands. His face was a mask of agonized embarrassment. "Do I have to do this?" He moaned.

"Yes!" One girl said evilly. "Or else Heero keeps that morphic instability curse!"

"Just do it, Duo." The other added. "Changing into other forms every minute or so will drive him nuts after a while."

Duo made a face and started jumping up and down and waving the pompons around. "Harley, Harley, he's our man! If we can't do it, he sure can! Gooooo, 'Quin!"

The Harlequin gave them a disgusted look and turned to Yomi. "Excuse me a moment." He said, putting the confetti away.

"Be my guest." Yomi replied pleasantly, leaning against a handy pole.

The Harlequin took a few steps toward his unexpected cheerleading team and threw the pie. Somehow it became three pies in midair and struck home on all three faces with a big purple **splatt!**

"Right!" Duo snapped, dropping the pompons and wiping blueberries out of his eyes. "Rei, Deven, we're going home _now_. If Heero's still a penguin or something when we get there, I'm gonna get into my Gundam and show you both what a curse _really_ is!" He grabbed them both by their shirts and pulled them away through the crowd.

"Cameo?" Kuwabara asked the Piper.

"Cameo." Piper replied.

Yomi and the 'Quin resumed their sparring, which went rather predictably. Harlequin walked off the field with a badly shredded cape, and Yomi limped off with bananas in his ears and confetti leaking out of his pant legs. Kurama was leaning on Hiei's shoulder and guffawing hysterically. He _really_ didn't like Yomi.

It wasn't long before the sun began to sink and sky was darkened by a rolling horde of thunderheads. Kurama cast an appraising eye upwards at the looming clouds. "We'd better catch a quick meal and head back to the tent." He said. "Tonight's storm looks like it means business."

A grumble of thunder reinforced his suggestion, so they all converged on the cafe that had furnished them with lunch. The wind was blowing fast and cold when they reached the place, and the first spatters of rain were falling as they ate. It was a fair trek to the tent, and they didn't want to catch the full brunt of the storm right in the teeth. Yuusuke shifted uneasily on his seat when a crackling explosion of thunder sounded outside. "Let's bag the rest of this up and make a run for the tent. I really don't want to walk through this."

"Grab some sake on the way out." Hiei added. "I've got a feeling that we're going to need it."

The wind was howling like a pack of wolves when they left the cafe, and they headed out at a dead run. They weren't the only ones; people who were unfamiliar with the local weather were scrambling like mad to get out of it, probably frightened by the way the lightning kept lancing down out of the sky and crisping things. This storm was going to be a real doozy. Our heroes made it to their tent unscathed but wet and badly rattled. The Harlequin fastened the tent flap behind them and glued it shut for good measure as everybody sat down and wrung out their shirts. Hiei had been right about the sake. There was just enough to go around. "Whoah!" Kuwabara exclaimed when his balance deserted him, along with his sense of caution. "That's good stuff!"

"Hic!" Hiei agreed and snuggled up in Kurama's lap.

"Quergh." Norkie muttered, waving his feet in the air.

Yuusuke scowled unevenly at one tent wall. "Is it just me, or is the tent vibrating?"

"It's vibrating." The Harlequin said, swinging lazily from his inverted perch at the top of the tent. "Whee! This is just like spin cycle!"

Kurama wasn't paying attention, since he had found something more interesting to watch. "Piper, how come you're two people at once? You've gone all shimmery."

With a hiccup, the Piper returned to his natural shape. "'S the booze. Can't concentrate on bein' humanoid if my brain's gone in five directions at once."

"You're crowding the tent." Yuusuke said grumpily.

The Piper curled up into a somewhat smaller coil in the far corner. "Better?"

"Yeah. Anybody got an alarm clock? Hoy! 'Quin, that's really a clock?! All right, if you say so. 'Night, everybody."

It was a little more difficult to get to sleep than they thought. Hardly ten minutes later, the storm started to seriously put its back into it. The tent rattled and rocked and made a heroic effort to fly off to Oz, or just into the nearest forest. The sake and the sheer dead weight of the team helped, though.

The next day dawned bright and sunny, with the birds chirping the dawn chorus in thin sweet voices. The dew shone like diamonds scattered on the grass, and the air was squeaky-clean and smelled of fresh wildflowers. Clouds like wads of creamy mashed potatoes sculled serenely through an azure sky while the wind sighed like parted lovers through the trees. This beautiful, fragile morning scene was abruptly shattered by the most unbelievable collection of ear-shattering beeps, honks, toots, whistles, and the sound of someone vigorously gargling Gershwin.

"Harlequin!" Yuusuke's anguished voice carried even above the cacophony. "Shut off that thrice-damned clock!"

Hiei was more than happy to oblige. "Jyaoh Ensatsu Kokuryuu-mrrph!"

He was interrupted by a large, eight-fingered hand clapping over his mouth. The Piper grunted sourly and shut it off for him. It's very hard for an alarm to go off when it's got a couple of oversized katanas stuck in it. The horrible contraption died with a squeal of stricken bagpipes and deflated pathetically on the floor. He reached up with a free hand, grabbed the 'Quin by the horns and yanked sharply, causing the stripey maniac to land on his head with a most satisfying thud. Norkie clambered down from his perch on the Piper's middle shoulders, jumped up and down on the deflated clock a few times, and then climbed back up to his nest. "Queeph." He muttered sleepily.

The Harlequin's topaz eyes blinked open, and he stretched long and luxuriously. "Ah, what a nice night!" He said. "Good morning, everyone!"

Six and a half pairs of bleary eyes glared at him from the heap in the corner. During the night, someone had suggested that the storm was like an invading enemy- or at least sounded like one, and that they should all fort up. The Piper had already fallen asleep in a loose coil at that point, so they grabbed all their blankets and settled in. It was a bit like sleeping in a leather-upholstered basket chair that smelled of allspice. "It is not a good morning." Grumped Hiei, who was feeling the effects of last night's sake.

"And it wasn't a nice night, either." Kuwabara muttered.

Yuusuke sat up with a groan and ran his fingers through his messy hair. "Jeez, whatta storm. I want a pair of pilot's wings for lasting through that one. I swear that we only spent fifteen minutes on the ground all through the night!"

"Yuusuke, you only get pilot's wings for a _controlled_ flight in an actual aircraft." Kurama said, absently scratching Hiei behind the ears.

"It was a genuine flying tent." Yuusuke said huffily. "Besides, it _was_ a controlled flight. I wasn't screaming."

The Piper chortled deep in his chests. "Maybe. You're the one with a watch, boyo. What time is it?"

"Six-thirty AM. And you're still crowding the tent."

The Piper heaved a long, fluting sigh and carefully uncoiled. "My, aren't we a grumpy boy this morning?" He said. "Come, Bully, let's find Ferret here a mug of coffee."

" _Ferret?!_ " Yuusuke exclaimed.

Hiei started snickering. "You got it, Weenie."

"Now stop that!"

The Piper ignored Yuusuke's angry protests and tried to open the tent flap. "'Quin, where's the glue solvent?"

The Harlequin shrugged. "Search me, I- yow!"

Norkie pounced their clownish teammate and did just that. When he was finished, the 'Quin was sulking, but the solvent had been discovered. "Queep!"

"Queep yourself, you mutant gerbil." 'Quin muttered.

"Thpppbbbtt!"

ooooo

Yuusuke was not having a good breakfast. The food was good and the tables were clean, but the company was being a pain in the ass. The Piper was back in disguise again, but it didn't stop him from flicking shrimps at Hiei, who was flicking them right back. It's not easy to eat when there's a game of shrimp-pong going on right next to your plate. What made it worse was that the others were cheering them on indiscriminately and occasionally swiping a shrimp or two right out of the air. If that wasn't bad enough, they were calling each other names again. "Hey! It's my serve, Bully!"

"Wait 'till lunch, Weenie."

"Bully!"

"Weenie!"

"Bully!"

"Weenie!"

Suffice it to say, Yuusuke was ready to hide under the table again, and he was determined to take the coffee with him. Kurama nudged him in the side as he was reaching for the carafe. "Here," Kurama whispered and handed him a small box. "These may come in handy."

Inside the box was, glory of glories, a pair of earplugs. Yuusuke wasted no time putting them in, and he was able to eat without trouble. Oh, blessed silence! Hiei and Piper glared at him when they saw that he wasn't about to slide off his seat anymore, so he gave them a big toothy grin and went back to his rice.

At seven thirty, they tied the blue cloth strips to their arms and made their way to their locker rooms in the Colosseum. It was just as well that they arrived early; some idiot had forgotten to put up any maps in the hallways, so _nobody_ knew where to go. It was Hiei who found out where the blue locker room was by the simple method of grabbing the first official-looking person they happened upon and beating the information out of him. "Crude, but effective." Was Kurama's only comment.

Yuusuke was still wearing the earplugs and that silly, slightly smug smile that went along with them as they explored the neatly tiled room. The Piper and Hiei were more than a little miffed by this. They withdrew off into one corner and started discussing the situation.

"What are you two up to now?" Kuwabara asked suspiciously.

All he got in answer was a pair of evilly-fanged grins.

"Never mind, I don't wanna know."

The two plotters seemed to agree on something, and went on a search for certain specific tools. Five minutes, two sheets of posterboard, and a marker later, Hiei and the Piper positioned themselves in front of Yuusuke. Dramatically, the Piper raised his sheet of posterboard. It had the word " _Bully!_ " written on it in scarlet ink.

Hiei raised his. " _Weenie!_ "

Yuusuke stood for a moment in helpless shock as the two took turns raising and lowering their signs. Then he went nuts. " _Aaaaaaarrrrghhh!_ " Yanking the earplugs out of his ears, he geared up to do some serious damage to his tormentors. "That does it! I've had enough! _Rei Shotg-_ Genkai, what are you doing here?"

Sure enough, there she was, leaning on a stout hardwood cane. "I thought the screams of rage sounded familiar." She said. "Hi there, kids. I'm here to cheer you on."

"Oh! Thanks!" Kuwabara said, and then added shyly. "Did Yukina come?"

Genkai shook her head. "She doesn't like this kind of contest very much. I figured that I could come, though, and eat popcorn while you beat the shit out of the rest of these losers."

"You wouldn't consider dressing up like a cheerleader and jump up and down and shout a lot, would you?" The Harlequin called from the vicinity of the toilets.

Genkai made a face. "Why in Enma's name would I do that? No way, joker-boy."

"Good!" The 'Quin said, walking into the room on the ceiling. "If you did, I would be forced to call down a six-mile whipped cream pie on your head."

"What?"

"Well, I like you too much to curse you properly."

Genkai considered this for a moment, then bopped him one in the snoot with her cane. "Twit." She muttered as he yelped and clutched his bruised honker. "See ya in the stands, boys."

A short time later, the Officials told them over the PA system to get to the contestant's waiting areas. These turned out to be a row of seats at ground level, right up next to the arena; indeed, the only thing that separated them from the field of bloody murder was a low wall. This also allowed the fighters to get a good look at each other. Comments like: "Cripes! We have to fight _them?!_ ", and "Hah! Whatta bunch of pansy-breaths!" floated around the ring, accompanied by the traditional pre-fight insults. Predictably, Kuwabara, Yuusuke, and the Harlequin participated with great imagination and gusto. "Hn." Hiei snorted. "Stupid goofs."

"I have to agree with you on that one, Hiei." Kurama said, wincing at the language that was being used.

"They do seem to be having fun, though." The Piper said, a little wistfully.

"Queep!"

"He says: 'Don't even think about it.'" Kurama translated.

"Phooey."

ooooo

At eight o' clock sharp, the announcer, a chipper-looking kit fox, strode into the arena, trailing the wire from the microphone behind her. "Ladies and Gentlemen!" She enthused. "Friends and neighbors from all corners of the Makai and places beyond! Welcome to Furuenai's Tourney! Today in this Great Colosseum, fighters from all over, from all walks of life, will compete for the lands of the late Lord Furuenai, who was so kind as to write up the rules before he kicked the bucket. The First match of the day will be a singles match. One person from each team will be chosen at random to fight another, and the winner gets to go on to the next level. Take it away, guys!"

She withdrew from the arena and the lottery began. Everybody held their breath and crossed their fingers, waiting for the big moment. "Yakuru, from the Green team," The announcer called. "And Gurahan from the White!"

Two hugely muscled ogres leaped easily over the wall and came at each other, roaring like bulls. The fight was spectacular, and rather gory. At last, one of them managed to beat in the other's head, and retired to his seat amid the wild cheers of the crowd as the corpse was neatly carted off the field.

Six more fights and one forfeit passed before the Blue team got its turn. "Yuusuke, of the Blue team," The announcer shouted. "And Akura, from the Red!"

"Well, finally." Yuusuke said, vaulting over the wall.

His opponent was unpleasant. Akura was not very big, but he was built like a fireplug with four arms like sacks of footballs. His hands were wide, with abnormally long fingers, and small, sharp horns protruded from the mane of orange hair on his head. His skin shimmered oddly, like a radioactive seashell. He carried a hideous hook-pointed knife in one hand, and a club in another; the last two hands were free to grab. The troll gave Yuusuke an evil grin and sprang forward, long hands reaching for the fragile human.

"This isn't good." The Piper said, leaning over the wall. "Hitting that guy'd be like pounding sand. Yuusuke had better stand back and do some serious blasting."

Yuusuke seemed to be thinking the same thing, for he darted out of Akura's path. "Rei Gun!"

The blast knocked Akura head over hands over heels, but all he suffered was an ugly bruise where the beam had struck. With a low, snorting laugh, the troll heaved himself to his feet and came at him again. Yuusuke tried again and again to find a vulnerable spot on his adversary, but was disappointed each time. Akura, however, had better luck. He'd already drawn blood with that awful knife, and he knocked Yuusuke sprawling with the club. Yuusuke managed to roll out of the way when Akura pounced, but they both knew that it was a matter of minutes before Yuusuke would fall.

"I don't like this at all." Kuwabara said. "Is there any way we can help him?"

"No." Kurama said with a sad shake of his head. "Interfering in a fight like this is strictly forbidden."

"That's direct interference, yes?" The Harlequin asked. "No running in and helping the poor little Ferret out?"

"No." Hiei said grimly. He liked and rather respected Yuusuke, though he wouldn't have admitted it for anything.

"Not even... Shouting?" 'Quin said, grinning at Hiei and the Piper.

"Shouting." Hiei said, a slow smile creeping onto his face. "Shouting is allowed."

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Bully?" The Piper said, faceted eyes glinting.

"You betcha, Weenie. Let's do it."

They stood up and ran to the other side of the arena, where Yuusuke could see -and hear- them clearly. However, the only things he could see and hear clearly at the moment was the troll sitting on him, laughing as it slowly throttled his neck. Yuusuke felt a coldness in his heart as his vision began to fade... Then, clear as a bell, carrying over the roaring of the crowd like a fly ball, the shout rang out. "Bully!"

"Weenie!"

Yuusuke was suddenly furious. Those two were _still_ at it! Even now!

"Whoa! Hey, Bully! It seems that the Ferret's having some problems!"

 _Ferret!_ That godsdamned nickname the Piper had stuck him with! Yuusuke's anger rose to the boiling point, and Akura, seeing this, was reminded of the time he had stuffed a cork into a sealed tea kettle and then left it on to boil...

"I see him, Weenie! What a wimp!"

 _That_ did it. Yuusuke had finally had enough. He was going to blow those two to kingdom come, and not even this shimmering yahoo sitting on him was going to thwart him this time!

Akura made the mistake of looking into Yuusuke's eyes. The sheer, unadulterated fury in them very nearly made him wet his pants. In fact, he was so scared that he forgot to concentrate on maintaining the protective ward he wore over his skin like a steel wetsuit.

" _Rei Gun!_ "

This time, the blast went straight through Akura's chest, torching a passing seagull some two hundred feet overhead. Akura's startled corpse landed on the other side of the field as Yuusuke stormed to his feet, saw Hiei and the Piper just standing there and _grinning_ at him, and raised his hand again. "I've had it with you two!" He bellowed. "Rei Shotgu- hey, come back here!"

Neither Bully or Weenie was willing to hang around at that point. Yuusuke was really pissed. He ran after them, cussing up a storm and blasting at them. He chased them twice around the stadium before they had to climb up a light pole to get away from him. Yuusuke, in the grip of a manic rage, grabbed the base of the pole and started shaking it, trying to rattle his two quarries off.

"Hey!" The Piper called. "Stop that! These things weren't built to take this kind of abuse!"

"Come down from there, you sons of centipedes! Yuusuke thundered. "I'm going to blow the both of you to Saskatchewan!"

"This is the Makai!" Piper shouted, starting to feel a bit seasick. "Saskatche-whatsit doesn't exist here!"

"I know that!" Yuusuke shouted back.

At this point, Harlequin decided to stop this. Calmly, he grabbed the frothing teenager around the middle and dropped him headfirst into the nearest water barrel.

"Blrbl!" Yuusuke said. "Bbbfttleg grblfbbt fbbssh!"

"Same to you, boyo." The 'Quin said, checking the temperature of the water with a finger. "With cherries on top."

Yuusuke did finally cool down, but it took a while, and getting Hiei and the Piper off the pole took even longer. During that time, the Tourney Masters debated whether or not shouting with intent to infuriate was against the rules. They eventually decided that it was legal; shouting was what the audience was _for_. Whether or not the fighters got pissed off at the shouters was their own problem, so Yuusuke was declared the winner of the match. Akura certainly wasn't going to protest, since he was currently being composted.

Not too long after that, the doubles matches started. They were, of course, even more spectacular than the singles matches, and twice as bloody. More than once, the fighters had to declare a draw, seeing as they'd killed each other. The crowd was roaring in an ecstasy of bloodlust that shook leaves off the trees in the surrounding forests and struck echoes from the distant mountains. Three times the arena had to be hosed off, and several teams forfeited out of sheer nervousness. Once again, about halfway through the matches, Blue team was called on again. "Kuwabara and the Piper of the Blue!" The announcer declared. "Mukuro and Oruku of the Yellow!"

Kuwabara and the Piper hopped over the wall eagerly, but Mukuro wasn't so sure. She'd fought the Spirit Detectives before, and knew that the big Ningen oaf was clumsy, but he never, ever gave up. She didn't know the big red guy, but she wouldn't be much of a sorceress if she couldn't recognize a serious aura when she saw one. The Piper looked like a technicolor wildfire. "We forfeit." She said, walking back into her team's locker room for a drink of water.

On the way in, Oruku asked her why. "How come we gotta give the fight to those guys?"

"Trust me on this." Mukuro replied darkly. "We could thump Kuwabara without too much effort, but take a really good look at the other one. That's not his real shape."

The announcer's voice echoed around the stadium. "The Yellow team has forfeited! Pick another pair!"

This was done.

"Sabre and Sai of the Purple team! Get out there and fight!"

Sabre and Sai leapt the wall with the ease of zero-gravity deer. They were small, slender, and athletic little goblins, with slate-grey skins and dull black hair. Bright orange eyes glittered coldly at The Piper and Kuwabara, and they drew their blades and ran to meet their opponents. Our heroes, of course, would not be outdone. Kuwabara manifested his Rei Sword and rushed ahead, with the Piper right behind him. Kuwabara knew he was impressive, with his unusual size and flaming sword, but he was no match for his partner. As he ran, the Piper _changed_. He reached for his swords with two arms and drew all four. His stride lengthened and became a gallop as another couple of legs appeared, his waist, neck, body, and head lengthened, and his tail unrolled with the sound of a whipcrack. His color deepened to a glossy brick red and his hair became rows of small razor-sharp spikes. He opened a suddenly fang-lined mouth to release a shout of defiance; it started out as a human roar, but ended as a noise horribly reminiscent of an air-raid siren. The Piper plowed into his opponent's midst like a runaway train, swords swinging in long, deadly arcs.

Kuwabara may not have had such a flair for the dramatic, but he never missed an opportunity to take advantage of an enemy's weaknesses. Sabre and Sai were badly startled by the sudden shifting, and weren't expecting Kuwabara's savage rush.

Oh, but they rallied magnificently! They were marvelous swordsmen, far better than Kuwabara, in fact. However, whenever they tried to eliminate him, the Piper came down on them like a ton of cleavers. It was decided that the greater threat should be removed as soon as possible. Sabre and Sai darted away across the field, preparing for a more impressive attack. Each putting one blade away, they clasped their free hands and extended their other arms so that their weapons touched. The two goblins joined their power as they had joined hands and focussed their wills on the charging Piper, who wasn't about to let them get away with anything. "Gemini Blast!" They chorused, and a searing bolt of crackling energy surged forth like horizontal lightning. It struck the Piper in the middle chest, hurling him back across the arena to land in a crumpled heap, stunned.

Kuwabara was angry now. He liked the Piper a great deal, and not just for his habit of teasing Hiei and Yuusuke. With a snarl, he charged the goblin pair, intent on messy destruction. Sabre and Sai merely laughed and turned to fire a few bolts of energy at him, too. Hiei wasn't the only one adept at the fast dodge, though. Kuwabara did a fine job of avoiding their blasts; at least, until he caught a toe in a crack in the pavement. Balance ruined, he staggered and nearly fell, looking up just in time to see his enemies fire off another massive bolt at him. He raised his arms instinctively to guard his face from the searing wave of raw power, but it turned out to be unnecessary. A gleaming ward of gold-shot green snapped into being in front of him just before the blast arrived, dividing it neatly in two. The shield disappeared just as soon as the blast dissipated.

The goblins gaped in absolute astonishment. How could the wretched Ningen have survived their attack? It was impossible! Just who and what was this guy?!

They never had the chance to find out. In their moments of confusion, the Piper had scraped himself up off the floor and was sneaking up on his foes from an unexpected direction: The air. Now he fell on them like a stalled helicopter and took them to pieces with incredible alacrity. The blast hadn't killed him, but he had burns all up and down his front that stung like crazy. Oh, boy, was he mad!

Kuwabara had to turn away or risk throwing up. An irrational thought sifted through his mind at that point. Every time he got involved in an adventure with the Piper or the 'Quin and their weird buddies, he always and without exception threw up at one time or another. This was getting to be a bad habit. One of the goblins, made crazed by pain and terror, sprang free of the carnage and tried to rip Kuwabara's throat out with its teeth. Kuwabara, glad for the distraction, bisected it neatly. "You done yet, man?" He asked the Piper, who was glaring at a mound of assorted spare bits.

The Piper gave a double shrug and began cleaning his swords. "I guess so." He replied. "Never can be sure if these little horrors are really dead. Worse than cockroaches."

"Trust me, Piper, these guys are dead."

"They could just be resting."

"Yeah. In pieces." Kuwabara's stomach gave an uneasy lurch. "C'mon, let's get back to our seats."

The crowd cheered wildly as the kit fox announced their victory, and their teammates were no exception. Well, maybe not the Harlequin. It was his _job_ to be an exception. What he was doing right now was pretty exceptional, anyway. This time, he was dressed up as a cheerleader, jumping up and down and shouting some sort of rhyme that was thankfully lost in the noise. A whipped-cream pie dropped onto his head from above as Kuwabara and the Piper climbed back over the wall. Everybody looked up to see where it had come from, to meet with a surprise. The bleachers where the crowd sat were a good ten feet above the contestant's waiting area, and for very good reason. It was hard to fill a stadium when the fans kept getting killed by errant blasts and flying weapons and ricochets all the time. Sitting directly above them and smiling in triumph was Genkai, clutching a soft drink in one hand. "Hi, guys!" She shouted above the crowd.

"What was that for?!" The Harlequin demanded, wiping whipped cream out of his eyes.

"You were being a cheerleader, and that was the biggest pie that I could locate. Six-mile pastries are very hard to find, you know."

The Harlequin blew her a raspberry that any Norkie would have been proud of. Kuwabara risked tapping the sulking deity on the shoulder. "Hey, 'Quin, are you going to let her get away with that? You're a god, you know."

"Of course." The Harlequin replied, sulks magically gone, along with the pie. "God or no, I have to retain some perspective. I'll plant a nest of three-toed sloths or Ionian were-figs in her underwear drawer or something later, nothing serious. Besides, Hiei may be Bully, but Genkai is Bully- _Sama_. I'm not about to mess with her. Anything else you wanted to know?"

"Yeah. Where'd that shield come from?" Kuwabara inquired. "Did you do that?"

"Hells, no, man, that's against the rules!" The Harlequin said with exaggerated shock. "Gold and green aren't my colors, anyway."

"Then who or what did do it?"

"Check your pocket."

Kuwabara blinked, but did so, and pulled out the little protective charm that he'd picked up in the marketplace. It was still glowing a little from the fight. "Hey, cool! It works! Yukina will be very happy, and it's just her colors, too!"

He walked into the locker room, humming a popular love song under his breath. The Harlequin watched the big redhead amble off with a smile on his face. Problems with grumpy relatives or no, he wanted to see the result of a union between that guy and the pretty little ice-girl. Speaking of grumpy relatives... "Okay, Piper, you can put him down now." 'Quin said, not bothering to turn around.

The Piper carefully deposited a fuming Hiei at the other end of the waiting area.

"I'm gonna kill him." Hiei muttered hotly.

"Be cool, Firebaby." The Harlequin said sweetly.

"Grrrowwlll!"

"Good boy."

ooooo

There was a brief intermission between the doubles matches and the full-team event so that the crowd could take a bathroom break and the arena could be hosed down again. It was amazing how much mess even a clean kill could make, and none of the kills that occurred after Kuwabara and Piper's match could be called clean. During the interlude, the Piper decided to teach Hiei and Kurama how to play cat's cradle. It did not go very well. Kurama's hands were naturally clever, of course, but Hiei had never mastered the art of playing. Or finger-weaving, for that matter. By the end of it, the Koorime looked as though he had been attacked by a giant yarn-spinning spider. Kuwabara, Yuusuke, 'Quin, and Norkie nearly laughed themselves sick and the only thing that saved them from bloody retribution was that Hiei was completely unable to get loose from the tangle he was in. Kurama wasn't complaining, though. In his struggle for freedom, Hiei had fallen across Kurama's lap. He lay there now, too disgusted with everything to do much more than glare angrily at them. Norkie had to cut them loose at the end of it.

ooooo

The full-team matches began once the arena had been cleaned out enough to see the paving stones again, and the announcer stepped out to call the teams to battle. There were quite a number of forfeits; a lot of teams had been drastically reduced by the previous matches. Even so, these battered groups stuck it out; generally by forfeiting until they were pitted against another reduced team. One or two didn't bother to try this technique, attempting to eliminate a larger team with what they had. One such fight was particularly hair-raising; Mukuro's group had been badly bulldozed by the previous fights, but she and her three remaining henchmen fell upon the Red team and smeared them all over the walls. "Best example of modern art I ever saw." Was the Piper's only comment.

Mukuro's team won that battle, though only one henchguy survived it. Mukuro was plainly in a poopy mood as they strode back to their locker room to wash up.

"I bet that she'll be a little more careful in choosing her teammates when the next Tournament comes up." Kurama muttered.

"If she survives this one." Hiei said with a faint smile.

"You really don't like her, do you?" Yuusuke asked.

"No." Hiei said in final tones.

"Would it make you feel better if I planted some Ionian were-moss in her keep?" The Harlequin said.

"How would that make me feel better?" Hiei demanded. "Moss never got anywhere."

"Ionian were-moss can eat through a three-foot stone wall in fifteen minutes flat." The Harlequin told him with an evil grin. "It's also almost impossible to get rid of without having to rebuild the whole keep from third subbasement up."

It was Hiei's turn to smile. "I like that! Go ahead."

Kurama, of course, was instantly fascinated. "Do you have any with you? I'd kind of like to see a moss with teeth."

The Harlequin pulled a small glass jar out of his cape. There was something mostly green in it. Kurama took a close look, and then turned away, only slightly less green than the contents of the jar. "Yuk!" He said. "Where do you get these things?"

"Well, this came from Ionia. That's one of the Shattered Lands. It has sixteen moons, all of which are set on 'Halloween'. _Everything_ goes lycanthropic there, even the Land itself every once in a while."

"Yeech! Remind me never to go there."

"All right. Oh, Kurama?"

"Yes?"

"Never go there."

There was a brief fracas as Kurama tried to hit 'Quin over the head with Kuwabara.

ooooo

Their match was the last one called, which was just as well. Finding band-aids for Kuwabara's scrapes was a little difficult. This time, they faced the Chartreuse team, as ugly a pack of mean-looking monsters as you would ever find lurching around the sets of a science fiction thriller. There were eight of them; two large orcs with axes, a gargoyle, an overgrown blob of _something_ , a tall man in dark robes and an elaborate helmet, a giggling imp, a chillingly beautiful woman, and one guy who had been mummified for about three years and then had been unwrapped.

The Harlequin took an instant dislike to this last one. "Yech!" He shouted, raining fireballs on the luckless creature. "A zombie! I don't work with zombies!"

"Not funny enough for you?" Kurama asked, pulling a blue rose from a jacket pocket. That one bush in his garden was still blooming in cobalt colors...

"There's nothing funny about a forced afterlife. Watch your back, fox!"

Kurama spun around, Rose whip uncoiling with staccato snaps, and the imp was no longer a threat. Unless, of course, you consider coleslaw to be dangerous. Kuwabara roared past them a moment later, chasing the gargoyle, which was trying unsuccessfully to beat him off with a club. Kuwabara was extremely angry with this stone guy. It had stepped on his foot- deliberately! He rained blows on it with his golden blade of searing energy, sending chips of granite flying everywhere as the thing's stiff hide started to crack. With a grunt, it beat its huge bat wings, straining for altitude. The gargoyle realized that its adversary, bruised instep or no, was far too fast for it. It would simply have to fly up and then fall on him, crushing the Ningen with the sheer weight of its body.

Unfortunately for the gargoyle, Kuwabara wasn't having any of that. He jumped up, grabbed the stone monster's ankle, and yanked as hard as he could. With a despairing cry, the gargoyle flapped out of control and fell, shattering on the flagstones of the arena floor.

Norkie and the Harlequin were taking turns hassling an orc; when asked about this later, they called it tag-team mauling. Piper and Hiei, of course, had started up again. "Bully!"

"Weenie!"

"Bully!"

"Weenie!"

"Bully!"

"Weenie!"

They seemed to have completely forgotten that they were in a Tourney match, and started sparring with one another. So, all over the arena they went, swords going _cling-cling-cling-cling!_ Kuwabara was about to shout at them to pay attention, but then noticed the way they were steering their private fight. The other orc tried to attack them thinking that they were too distracted to see him coming. Wrong.

 _Cling-cling-cling-_ "Hey, Bully, did you know that there's a- _Cling-whack-slash-splat-Aaargh!-thud-cling-cling-_ "Never mind."

This, naturally, set Yuusuke off, too. "Aaaahhh! No more of this 'Bully and Weenie' crap! This time I'm gonna blow you losers straight to Atlantis! Rei Shotgun!"

A monolith wouldn't stick around to field one of those blasts, and neither would Hiei or the Piper! Kuwabara had to dive for cover as his opponent, the big robed guy with the funny hat, was trampled to death by two runaway nonhumans and a raging teenager. The audience ducked behind their seats as Yuusuke flared off crazily everywhere, sending bolts up and away like an explosion in a fireworks factory. The woman, who turned out to be a fairly competent wind-mage, lost both her nerve and her control when she saw the frenetic three bearing down on her at top speed. The tornado that she'd called up made short work of her as they thundered -and lightninged!- past. The chase finally ended when Yuusuke ran out of breath and spiritual energy. Unable to blast his tormentors any more, he settled for kicking them in the shins.

"And let that (gasp)(pant)(puff) be a lesson!" He wheezed.

"Ow!"

"Gah!"

"Are we done?" Kuwabara asked.

"Nope." Kurama said. "There's still one more to go."

The blob monster was oozing slowly toward them, burbling grossly. It shifted colors and shapes muddily, resembling a cross between a lava lamp and a tree-thing from the Glen of the Damned. The paving stones hissed and dissolved around the pulsating mass, and it smelled _awful_. Kuwabara went a little green. "Bleah! I could use some of that spearmint about now."

"You said it, man." Yuusuke said, holding his nose.

They circled it warily; it swirled and blooped in response. Without warning, it spat at Kurama, who jumped out of the way just in time. His whip, unfortunately, was splashed. It withered to a sad little trail of brown crud in seconds, causing him to cry out in disgust and wipe his hand rapidly on his shirt. "That thing's pure poison!"

The Piper drew a spare short sword from a sheath on his harness and darted forward, slicing at the formless horror. The four-foot blade chopped off a third of the blob, meeting hardly any resistance. When he withdrew the blade, however, the thing simply reformed itself, and the sword was in very bad shape. It looked as though someone had dropped it in a vat of nitric acid and left it there for a week or two. "Don't get too close, guys, this sloppy bastard's acidic, too!"

The Harlequin raised one eyebrow and hurled the jar of were-moss at the blob. It fell a little short, shattering on the steaming stones and releasing the stuff inside. It was green and hairy, and dozens upon dozens of tiny red eyes like drops of blood glared balefully at the poison mass. Millions of microscopic rootlets dug into the stone, sucking vital minerals out of the rock and causing the terrible plant to grow at a rapid rate. Once it had reached a proper size, it rushed the enemy blob, vegetative death on its little mossy mind. Unstoppable weed met unbeatable weedkiller in a life-and-death struggle for supremacy on the cracked and dissolving floor of the stadium.

"The moss is losing!" The Harlequin said, almost unable to believe it. "Help it, Kurama!"

Kurama carefully wrapped his ki around that of the fighting moss' and got a nasty shock. The horrible stuff wasn't entirely a plant. Gritting his teeth, he poured strength into it, willing it to grow bigger, meaner, more acid-resistant. The were-moss responded like a trooper, adding a few ideas of its own. Lashing green hairy tentacles tore at the weedkiller blob, making oozy chunks fall off with disgusting ripping sounds.

Hiei noticed that Kurama was sweating, straining to keep his moss-monster going. In his opinion, this was stupid. The Harlequin could pick up more any time he wanted, and he himself knew what could take their oozing enemy down for the count for keeps. Now, if he could only keep it from wearing him out, too... Yeah, why not? Hiei unwrapped his arm. "Jyaoh Ensatsu Kokuryuuha!"

The Black Dragon Wave surged off his arm like the portable pyroclasm it was, thundering right toward the battling blobs at an incredible rate. Bellowing like a ruptured furnace, it fell on them, reducing them both to burning puddles before disappearing in a cloud of black flame. The were-moss burned a damp orange, but the blob! It was a veritable rainbow of fiery colors; in fact, it rather resembled the 'Quin's prismatic wardrobe. It bubbled awfully as it died, sending a pall of nasty-smelling smoke everywhere.

Hiei dropped wearily onto his butt. "We've won. Happy now?"

"Oh, that poor, valiant moss!" The Harlequin wailed. "How nobly it gave its life to save us all!"

"Shut up, 'Quin." Hiei said as Kurama picked him up.

"No! We must honor it as is proper!"

"I'll spit on its grave a few times, if that'll make you feel any better." Yuusuke offered.

"No! Now, get it right. Like this..." The Harlequin pulled a kazoo from a hidden pocket.

Later on, They all swore on a stack of phone books that the entire audience stood respectfully to attention as the Harlequin played "Taps" on his kazoo.

The moment that he put the instrument away, something untoward happened. An entire crowd of people started screaming enthusiastically and poured out of the bleachers, over the wall, and into the arena. Screams of _"Kurama-san!"_ , _"Minamino-san!"_ , and _"Hiei-sama!"_ rang out.

Hiei and Kurama clutched each other and screamed in terror.

"Who are they?" Kuwabara said, Rei Sword flashing. "Some of your old enemies?"

"No! It's even worse than that!" Kurama said, eyes wild and hair standing on end.

"It's our fan club!" Hiei howled.

Kuwabara's sword died away and his eyes narrowed. "I don't have a fan club." He grumped. "How come they have a fan club and I don't?!"

"Because you're a meathead!" Hiei snapped. "Now shut up and run!"

"Too late!" Yuusuke said as the rabid fans poured over them like the incoming tide.

Hiei and Kurama were swamped asunder, gone from sight. Kuwabara smiled at the scene and walked back to the locker rooms, humming under his breath. _Who needs a mob of screaming fans when I've got Yukina?_ He thought.

One of the arena cleaners walked up and nudged Yuusuke in the ribs. "Hey, man, you tell you buddies to clear the field, hokay? We gots to shovel the bits up so the show goes on, yeah? Final match can't happen if they're tripping over fan clubs all the time."

Yuusuke snickered a little at the thought of this, but he agreed. "All right, I'll see what we can do."

"Just so's you gets these weirdos outa here in the next few minutes."

"Okay." Yuusuke said. "Hey, Piper, can you find them in all this?"

The Piper waded gingerly into the mass of squealing fans until he reached the center. He bent over, fishing around in the depths for his friends with all four hands. Hiei burst out of it all, screaming like a banshee and hurled himself up to the Piper's uppermost shoulders. Even when the Piper was bent double, he was out of reach, and he clung to the Piper's harness straps like a scared cat to the branch of a tall tree. When the Piper straightened up, he pulled Kurama up out of the mob by the back of his shirt. Kurama was not happy about all this, especially since one fan was clinging limpet-like to his front in a bear hug. "Kurama." She cooed dreamily.

"Aaieeeee!" Kurama replied.

"Koko-chan!" Another fan shouted. "Get off and let us have a turn!"

The Piper sighed and peeled the loudly protesting fan off of Kurama in much the same way you peel off slices of American cheese. "There are advantages in being ten feet tall, aren't there?" He said conversationally as he shifted the Kitsune to a higher pair of arms.

"Yeah!" Kurama said with relief. "Now get us out of here!"

The Piper spread his wings and sprang off the ground, flying back towards their locker room and leaving the mob behind. The fans, predictably, gave chase, only to bounce off the special Anti-Groupie wards set in the doorway. They left, rather disgruntled, a few minutes later.

"Are they gone?" Hiei quavered. He wasn't feeling very well; a lot of those fans had tried to kiss him full on the mouth.

"Yup." 'Quin said, handing Kurama an orange.

"Queep queep, queep." Norkie reported from the doorway.

"He says: 'The janitors are cleaning the mess up now.'" Kurama translated, handing Hiei half the orange.

Yuusuke sighed tiredly. "I could use a nap. What's next?"

"The Final Match." Kuwabara said, reading a schedule that had been pasted to the wall. "All the teams get to pick one member to represent the whole team. Then they put the chosen guys in the arena at once and let them all kill each other."

"A Grand Melee." The Piper breathed. "I haven't seen one of those in decades."

"Well, here's your chance." Kurama smiled wearily. "You want to do it?"

"Nope." The Piper replied. "I'm bushed from running away from Yuusuke all the time."

Yuusuke snorted. "I'm all out of spiritual energy from chasing you."

They looked at Kurama and Hiei. "Not me." Kurama said. "Keeping the moss going was a real strain."

Hiei was asleep, snoring gently into Kurama's front.

Kuwabara had wandered off somewhere in search of a snack, and the Harlequin was a can opener at the moment. Only one player was left. "Queep!" Norkie said, bouncing up and down. "Fizz! Yah!"

"You're too short, Norkie." Yuusuke told him.

"Fizz! Thbbbttt!"

Kuwabara turned up at that point, carrying a bag of pork rolls. "Lunch, anybody?"

Hiei snapped awake, snarfed down half of them, and went back to sleep.

"I'll pass." The Piper said. "There should be enough for the rest of you anyway, seeing as can openers don't need food."

'Quin illustrated that point by cutting the rim off of a garbage can.

"So," Kuwabara said, munching on a roll. "Who's it gonna be?"

"We're all tired." Yuusuke replied. "How 'bout we draw straws."

"Cool."

Kuwabara stood up and went outside, where he grabbed a passing janitor and removed a few straws from the broom he carried. Coming back in, he broke one, shuffled them, and offered them to the rest of his team. Yuusuke pulled a long straw, as did Hiei and Kurama. The Piper's straw was long as well, and the can opener pulled a long one, too. Norkie had to climb up Kuwabara's arm to reach the straws, and he pulled the short one.

"Best of three?" Yuusuke said, weakly.

"Thbbt!" Norkie replied. "Fizz! Yah! Queep!" The little furball struck an impressive pose and threw his straw into the air. Whipping his tiny sword out, he cut the falling straw into chaff. "Yah!"

"Suit yourself, little guy."

ooooo

Fifteen minutes later, the announcer called them all for the last time. "Ladies and Gentlemen! This is the event that you've been waiting for! This is the Final Match, where one member of each team will enter the killing zone and have it out with each other. The last one standing wins the title to Lord Furuenai's lands for his team! Wish them luck and cheer for your favorites, 'cause the melee starts now! Okay, teams! Send out your chosen ones!"

Norkie bounced over the wall like a superball and scuttled off into the crush of fighters, where they lost sight of him. It was impossible to see much of anything out there in the butcher's convention. Blood of various colors sprayed from severed bits and deep slashes, and bodies started to litter the floor. There was no teamwork at all, here. It was purely an all-for-one-and-I'm-that-one mentality.

"Poor little fella." Kuwabara said sadly. "He probably got stepped on or something. I'm gonna miss the way he always shed on my jacket when I annoyed him."

"Don't be so sure." Kurama said. "Anybody who can de-ball Yomi and get away with it isn't going to go down quite so easily."

At last, there was only one guy still upright in the arena, and the reason for that was fairly obvious. One has to have a fair amount of imagination to describe him; take a double-decker greyhound bus. Tip it up on one end and add three legs like stacks of whiskey barrels, six arms with steel-cable muscles, two single-eyed heads adorned with an assortment of fangs, tusks, horns, and scales, and top the whole thing off with a pair of huge varicolored mohawk hairdos. Superficial wounds dribbled purplish blood and stained his leopard-skin loincloth, and his clawed hands clutched six long morningstars. Vestigial batwings flapped idly in the breeze.

The monster laughed a bit breathlessly. "I have won! There is nobody left to face me! Furuenai's lands are mine! I, Goruk, have-"

"Queep!" Came a small voice a few inches above ground level.

"What?" The monster asked, looking around for whoever made the funny noise.

"Fizz! Yah! Queep!" The one and only Ninja Norkie clambered out of the mess on the stones and defiantly waved his bloodstained Sprite Sword at his enormous enemy.

Goruk burst out laughing. "Harharhar! This little thing wants to kill me? A tribble with feet? Ha! I will crush it with one foot!"

He tried, all right, lifting one huge, two-toed forefoot and brought it down in an effort to reduce Norkie to a greasy spot on the stones. It should have worked, but Ninja Norkie raised his sword just in time to catch the foot right in the arch.

"OW! OWOWOWOWOW!" Have you ever seen a fella with three feet try to hop around on one? It's like watching a sumo wrestler trying to operate a pogo stick.

There is a saying: "All trees are felled at ground level." Ninja Norkie had just set out to drop a sequoia. He skittered around Goruk's legs, harassing the other ankles until he managed to slice a tendon. With a howl of agonized fury, Goruk fell over, hitting the ground with an impact that rattled the bleachers. Screaming in rage, he thrashed about, trying to hit a tiny fast-moving critter that was taking the definition of "kinetic" to new lengths. The six morningstars hissed through the air in a dizzying pattern as Ninja Norkie scaled the overlarge body. He knew very well that a clean thrust to the heart was quite out of the question; he didn't know where the heart of this colossus was hidden, and for that matter, how many there were. Oh, well, what the hell. He may not be able to go for the heart, but all the major arteries were within easy reach. Let's see, three in the legs...

"Aaaargh!"

One a bit higher...

Half the audience winced as Goruk's voice suddenly went soprano; the other half applauded.

Six in the arms- hold still, you overgrown cockroach impersonator...

"Aaaaaaiieeeeeghh!"

And one really big one in the neck. Done.

"Aargurrgle!"

Goruk dropped stone dead a few minutes later, and Ninja Norkie bowed politely to the thunderous applause of the crowd before retiring graciously to his team's locker room.

ooooo

The awards ceremony was nice, though a bit overdone. Norkie was presented with a large, elaborate scroll that proclaimed him and his team the absolute masters of Lord Furuenai's territory. They were also given a somewhat smaller and plainer scroll by the local chief of police that gave them permission to do any damn thing they wanted until dawn. The police had learned from painful experience that a riot or a wild and crazy victory celebration usually occurred after these events, and that the best place for a conscientious lawman in these circumstances was under his bed at home. If you can't stop 'em, let them go and then pick up the pieces in the morning was their motto.

Hiei's eyes glinted evilly when he received this note. It was gonna be a fun night.

ooooo

Once the ceremony was over, the entire horde of surviving fighters, winners and losers alike, moved en masse into an adjoining building that had been built for the specific purpose of being a party house; It was lit mainly by a lot of disco lights and a huge karaoke machine, a great big aquarium was being filled up and stocked with fish in one corner. A long table groaned under the weight of the biggest buffet that any of them had ever seen, and good music thumped through the air like a heartbeat. A vast cut-glass punch bowl sat in the middle of the table, full of something green and fizzy. The Harlequin dipped a finger into it, tasted it, and spat. "Feh!" He said, tipping the whole bowl out in a candy-colored tidal wave. "Nothing more than lime juice. Allow me to fill it with something proper!"

He produced a keg out of nowhere, and began pouring a deep violet liquid into the bowl. "What's this stuff?" Hiei asked.

"Old Skyrocket, also occasionally known as 'Old I Was Stupid Enough To Try It'. It's mild as milk and sweet as honey, so come and get it, y'all!" The 'Quin replied, grinning like the Cheshire Cat.

"Don't you believe it." The Piper murmured into Yuusuke's ear. "That stuff is used as fuel for superjets in some places. One of 'Quin's little jokes."

"Really?" Kuwabara said, horrified.

"I kid you not. How would you guys like to turn the prank on him, too?"

"You betcha." Yuusuke said. "How are we gonna do that?"

"We spike his punch." The Piper pulled out a bottle of something yellow.

"Lemonade?!" Kuwabara was confused.

"'Quin gets drunk backwards." Piper clarified. "Alcohol does not affect him at all, but plain old lemonade sends him right through the roof. This is fresh-squeezed stuff, so not only will it ignite his socks, but it'll mitigate some of the effects of his booze on us. Shall we?"

Yuusuke and Kuwabara distracted the 'Quin by starting a petty argument while the Piper emptied his bottle into the bowl.

As soon as everybody had gotten used to the building- this took some time; the restrooms were hard to locate- the traditional victory speeches were called for. Ninja Norkie was hoisted up on top of the jukebox so that everybody could see him, and amused cries of "Speech! Speech!" rang out from the crowd. "Queep," Norkie began, and continued in the same vein for a few minutes.

Nobody understood a word that he said, but they cheered anyway. Then the crowd turned expectantly to the rest of the Blue team. "Er." Yuusuke said, uncertain. He was tired and hungry, and not used to speaking before crowds.

The Harlequin rescued him from his stage fright. "Cumberbund?" He proclaimed in rolling tones. "Norkies! My hovercraft is full of eels and spam spam spam spammity spaaaam! The voices say this is no subliminal message, it is a green weasel put cheese in your hair and cucumbers in your honker. Please remain calm. No! Do not remain cal-"

Mukuro picked up a tomato from the buffet and threw it with pinpoint accuracy at 'Quin's left eye. "Shut up, clown."

"Thank you, ma'am." The Piper rumbled. "Guys, gals and those in between, I think that Fuzzball and Wild Card here have done all the speechifying necessary. We're bushed, we're hungry, we need a drink. Let's all of us pig out and party till sunup."

With a roar of approval, everybody headed for the buffet and did just that.

ooooo

Since Harlequin's evil brew was the only thing to drink, things got progressively sillier after the first few toasts, especially when 'Quin got the hiccups. "Hic!"

"Hey, 'Quin, you all right?" Yuusuke asked.

"I think so. Why?"

"You changed color. You're blue and green now."

"What? Hic!"

"You look good in polka dots, did you know that?" Someone else said.

"Hic! Oh, dear..."

"Aiiieee! Plaid!"

It went straight downhill from there.

ooooo

Someone turned up the music after the table had been denuded, and the dancing began in earnest. The strobes started flashing, and various people were battling the karaoke machine for supremacy. Old disco favorites, new songs from all the really good groups, they all rang through the air, vibrating the rafters. The Harlequin had to refill the punch bowl twice, and so did the Piper, who had to go out for another bottle of lemonade. A river spirit, who had shunned the buffet food but not the drink, fell into the fishtank, made short work of the fish, and then started a water fight with Hiei, Kurama, and several other people. Hiei, who had also not shunned the Old Skyrocket, found himself a bucket and leaped in. Kurama made do with the seaweed that was already in the tank. The others followed suit. Splashing like crazy, the siren, the Kitsune and the Koorime dampened the entire hall, which prompted Kuwabara and Mukuro to bring out the fire hoses. Then somebody triggered the sprinklers, and Norkie came up with a bag of water balloons. It was when the water started sloshing out the windows that some janitor with a deep dislike of mildew shut off the water main.

"Oh, pooh." Mukuro was heard to say. "The hose don't work."

Somebody hit her with the last of the water balloons.

ooooo

The flood had shorted out the Karaoke machine and someone had eaten the jukebox by mistake, so everybody raided a closet for things to bang on and made their own music. The Piper turned out to have a beautiful voice, although he did make some people nervous when he started singing in harmony with himself. Yomi's remaining teammates tempted fate by prying open the Piper's jaws in attempt to see if he'd swallowed someone by accident. "Hello, are you down there?" One called.

A few seconds later, they had to go find some more band-aids.

The Worst Voice Award that night went to Kuwabara and the 'Quin. It wasn't that Kuwabara couldn't sing, but it was the way he invented new notes for the ones he missed that had everyone's teeth on edge. The breaking point came when 'Quin joined him in deliciously discordant melody. Chanting "Stone him! Stone him!", the entire crowd picked them up and dropped them headfirst into the half-full fishtank.

Later on, when things were somewhat quieter, Yuusuke brought up an important topic. "So, guys, who gets what? How we gonna split the take?"

"We get the mines." Kurama and Hiei chorused unevenly.

"Cool." Yuusuke said. I want the moa rookeries. Them's good racing birds."

"Yuusuke, do you know anything about moas?" Kurama asked.

"Nope. I'm jus' gonna let them do what they've been doing all along and reap the profits."

Kurama snorted. "Sounds good. What part d'you want, Kuwabara?"

Kuwabara sighed deeply. "The beaches. I'm gonna take Yukina up there really often! We'll collect seashells and coconuts and chase crabs and build sandcastles and stuff."

Hiei growled, but felt too mellow to thump the big ox.

"I want the forests." The Piper rumbled, feeling the effects of the wine. "There's good hunting and funny plants and the occasional monster or two. And trees."

"Trees is nice." Hiei said. "What do you want, Norkie?"

"Queep."

"He says he wants the farms and towns." Kurama translated.

"Fine with me." Hiei muttered. "I hate paperwork. What do you want, 'Quin?"

The Harlequin, who had regained his normal colors again, smiled. "I've already got the whole place. What more do I need?" He cackled. "Mine! Mine! Mine! It's been mine since the first settler saw one wolf bite another on the butt and laughed about it. Anywhere there is humor, my claim is there. You little bean sprouts can have it all, but you have to let the carnivals come and go freely. Carnivals and circuses and festivals and feasts, dances and parties galore! Comedies and clowns to make everything funny, freak tents and the differently talented and more!"

'Quin frowned. "All right, who put lemonade into the Skyrocket?" Then he passed out.

Kuwabara glared at the snoring bicolor heap. "No Pythons. No more things that go roundy-roundy-roundy-throw-up. I hate 'em."

"Fine." Yuusuke said. Then he looked over at the aquarium in the corner. "What's going on over there?"

The Piper raised his head and squinted at the unusual activity. "Looks like the siren is teaching folks how to play strip poker."

Kurama and Hiei looked at each other. "Sounds like fun." Kurama said, a velvet note in his voice, and they all went over to receive some lessons.

ooooo

Somewhen in the wee hours of the morning, when almost everybody had left the world of consciousness behind, our heroes sat around on a scrap of rug that they'd found in a broom closet somewhere. A lone imp sat in one corner, tapping out erratic beats on an old tin bucket, and small splashing noises emanated from the fishtank. Hiei, damp and still stripped down to his boxers from the poker lesson, was curled up in Kurama's lap. Kurama himself had managed to recover his shirt as well as his shorts and was sitting between the Piper's forelegs, leaning back against the big red guy's midriff and combing his fingers through a bemused Hiei's hair. The Piper was humming an old symphony softly, enjoying the quiet. Kuwabara had fallen asleep some time ago with his head pillowed on the Harlequin, and Norkie was a small, snoring puff of fur on his stomach. Yuusuke was nibbling on a bit of leftover broccoli, watching the fishtank. "What's going on in there, anyway?"

"Th' siren and a satyr are makin' waves in there." Snickered Hiei. "He made her an offer she didn't wanna pass up, 'specially after he lost three times."

"And you two would be in there doing the same, but there's not enough room for four." The Piper muttered.

"Weenie." Hiei said as Kurama's face went red.

"Bully." The Piper answered, a little absently.

Yuusuke twitched slightly, but the alcoholic haze he was in took the edge off of it.

Kurama gave the Piper a speculative look. "How come you two are so close?" He asked.

"What?" The Piper said. His mind had been elsewhere.

"Yeah." Yuusuke slurred. "'F I called that little guy a bully, he'd flatten me, same goes if I call you a name. Whassup that you two can do that?"

"And you two spar and joke and everything. I can't do that, and me and Hiei-" Kurama blushed and stopped talking.

The Piper heaved a long, fluting sigh. "I think that some of it is that he and I are very much alike."

Yuusuke looked at Hiei, and then at the massive Piper. "Naah."

"Oh, yes!" Piper protested. "Neither of us have much of a family, we both have a dragon, we are the meanest butt-kickers around. We go everywhere, we discover new things, and we both are hard-chargin' swordsguys."

"Yeah!" Hiei said triumphantly.

"What's the rest of it, though?" Kurama asked.

The Piper reached down and ruffled Hiei's hair affectionately. "I saved him from the Glen of the Damned when he was but a sprat. Cute little critter he was, had an adorable way of tearing up zombies with his bare teeth and toenails. I kept him with me for a while, then gave him a sword and dropped him off in the Makai. I doubt that he remembers much or any of that time."

Hiei snorted. "Stupid Weenie. I remember enough."

"Good! Now cuddle your Kitsune."

"Yeah!" Hiei twisted around in Kurama's lap and buried his face in the furiously blushing fox's neck. "Mine." He muttered.

It was Yuusuke's turn to blush as the Piper coiled himself up loosely around the lovers and fell asleep. Yuusuke noticed a little dreamily that the imp had stopped drumming and that bubbling snores were coming from the fishtank. _There's gonna be a price to pay for the party,_ he thought. _Everybody will be sore in the morning. But for now..._ His thoughts trailed off as sleep crept over him like a down comforter.

ooooo

Morning, or whatever time that the partygoers began the long, painful trip back to awareness, was a picture in damp, hungover greys. The fishtank had sprung a leak during the night, and a tiny river trickled sinuously out the door, mingling on its way out with a strain of purple from the punch bowl. A weak spot in the glass had given way under the chemical assault of the Old Skyrocket, which was doing terrible and unearthly things to the weeds outside the door. One patch of them had already formed its own religion and had gone to spread the Word among its fellow wildflowers.

There were soft groans and whimpers from floor level as various revellers unstuck themselves from the pavement. Even the Harlequin was not feeling so chipper this morning, which was obvious since he had assumed the form of a bucket of chemical waste. It was just as well that he was immortal; if he had been mortal while feeling anywhere near as bad as he looked, they would have had to find a nuclear dump site to hold his funeral in.

As consciousness was achieved in varying levels, there was a steady stream of lurchers heading for the bathrooms, although some of them never made it that far. One guy got the hiccups and kept burping up vinyl records. In fact, the only folks who were not hugging the toilets were the Piper, Hiei, and Kurama. Piper was still snoozing where he had curled for the night, wings spread out over his coiled body. Muffled noises came from beneath them. Yuusuke and the rest of the Blue team were not about to suffer alone, so Yuusuke nudged the scarlet monster with one foot. "Wake up, you leggy snake." He said blearily.

The Piper blinked, yawned like a bear trap, and raised his head. "Good morning." He said pleasantly.

"Hey," Kuwabara said, rubbing his throbbing skull. "How come you're not sick, too?"

"My blood is poisonous, remember?" The Piper said in soft tones, so as not to make their headaches any worse. "Alcoholic toxins don't bother me any."

"Queep." Norkie grumped. "Queep quip quergh. Fizzz."

"Wha'd he say?" Yuusuke asked.

"You aren't old enough to be told." 'Quin said, metamorphosing back into his normal shape.

"If it makes you guys feel any better, I think most of my joints are cramping." The Piper apologized.

"How's the fox and the firebaby doing? They aren't still asleep, are they?" 'Quin asked.

The Piper peeked carefully under one wing to see what was going on. His large black eyes grew very wide, and he flushed bright purple. "No." He replied rather weakly. "They are not still asleep. Give them another fifteen minutes or so and they'll be right out. Or something."

"Or something?" Yuusuke asked.

"It sort of depends whether or not they can get all the knots out of their clothes, you see."

"I don't wanna know..."

ooooo

Fortunately for everybody, especially the cleaning staff, the medical center sent by a wagon full of hangover cures. Kurama and Hiei did manage to unknot their shorts and locate the rest of their clothes, and the Piper impressed absolutely everybody with the contortions he went through to get all the kinks out of his length. Then they went hunting for breakfast. Most of them found it in the form of hot tea, egg drop soup, and toast at a small breakfast place nearby, but the Piper needed something a little different. They found him in a field half an hour later tearing apart the carcass of a large deer. He was, after all, a big carnivore, and eggy soup just wasn't _him_. Yuusuke and the others sat down on an old wooden fence while their massive friend finished, although Hiei had to be persuaded not to help the Piper pick the bones. Kurama drew in a deep breath of fresh country air, closing his emerald eyes against the glare of the midday sun. What a night! Hiei was a little disappointed that they'd never gotten around to the rioting but what they had done instead was good enough for him.

His thoughts were interrupted by an elbow in the ribs. "Hey, Kurama," Kuwabara said, taking out the protective charm that had saved his life the day before. "Did I wear out the spell on this thing yesterday? I don't want to give Yukina something that doesn't work."

Hiei grunted in annoyance as Kurama took the charm, but didn't complain any further. He was still feeling a bit delicate.

Kurama felt the faint musical hum of the charm's magic the moment he touched it. Well! It seemed that they had picked a treasure out of the trash after all. Not only was the spell intact, but it had drawn energy from the enemy sorcery that it had blocked. "It's fine." He said, handing it back. "Just don't try to stop any comets with it."

"Oh, good!" Kuwabara's smile nearly outshone the sun. "Yukina will be so happy!"

Hiei slid off the fence and claimed a bloody rib bone from the Piper's breakfast and savaged it with his fangs. He might not be allowed to reduce the idiot ningen to a stringy red smear on the grass, but he could sure pretend that this bone was Kuwabara's! He growled in satisfaction while the Piper looked on in amusement. It had been some time since the two of them had shared a kill. _A good kid,_ Piper mused. _A bit crazy, but then all teenagers are like that._

ooooo

A few minutes later, he stood up with a soft belch and suggested that they return the tent and go home. This was met with universal approval, so they all ambled back to the lee side of the Colosseum where their tent was. They packed up their supplies, struck the tent, and returned it to the rental place without incident. Mercifully, the incident happened on th road out of the tent city, where there were no breakables around. Our heroes ran into an entire group of women, some of which they recognized. The Serpent Queen Lillias was among them, as well as Issola Stormtrigger and Lady Fukushu the Dryad. All of them were wearing black satin jackets or T-shirts with a strange insignia on them: A pair of crossed knitting needles surmounted by a grinning skull emblazoned on the back in silver, with the letters L.K.T.S. embroidered over the right breast pocket.

"Good heavens!" The Harlequin cried, cringing in mock terror. "It's the Ladies' Knitting and Terrorist Society!"

"Indeed." Fukushu said, giving them her best Evil Villainess look.

"What do you want from us?" Hiei said warily, hand on his sword.

Issola smiled, showing off her razor-sharp fangs. "We just wanted to congratulate you boys on your successes, of course. A very good fight."

"And we wanted to remind you, Hiei and Kurama, of sssomething." Lillias hissed. She slithered over to the two nervous youkai, spreading her long wings for a measure of privacy. "Asss we've told you before, get on with it. We all want to sssee some spratsss within this decade, and we mean it! If you two insist on mooning about like this, we shall simply have to take matters into our own hands. Or whatever, ssseeing as some of us don't have handsss. Do you two underssstand?"

"Yes, ma'am." They chorused hopelessly. There was just no arguing with a snake that big.

"Good boysss." She said, folded her wings, and slithered away.

The Piper broke their unhappy thoughts about what Lillias and the rest of the Society would do to them if they decided to ignore the command. "I'm heading home from here, guys." He said. "Issola wants to measure me for a knitted winter cloak. See you 'round."

"Bye." The others said as the dragon and the Piper disappeared in a blue flash.

'Quin gave them his crescent-moon grin. "Want me to give you guys a lift home? If Lil told them what I think she told them, neither Kurama or Hiei are capable of opening a picket fence, much less a gate to the Ningenkai."

Yuusuke, ever curious, could not resist. "What did she tell them?"

"You aren't old enough to be told that either." The Harlequin sniffed primly. "I'll drop you all off in the park, okay? There's a circus in Southern Reikai that needs some assistance right now."

"Fine, fine." Yuusuke said, sulking.

ooooo

A flash of purplish-blue later, they were standing in the confines of the neatly-tended park that they usually met in, whereupon the 'Quin darted off skywards like a roman candle. Yuusuke watched him go, and then rubbed his still slightly-sore head. "I'm going home." He sighed. "See you all later."

Kurama and Hiei followed suit, wandering off towards Kurama's place for a bit of peace and quiet.

Kuwabara and Norkie, however, made a direct beeline for Genkai's Temple to see Yukina. On arrival, they found Genkai sitting out front, practicing with a crochet hook and some yarn. "Hi, Genkai, is Yukina in?" Kuwabara asked politely as Norkie hopped off his shoulder and scuttled inside.

Genkai smiled up at Kuwabara. "She's in preparing the afternoon tea. You look nervous, boy. Did you bring her back a souvenir?"

"Um, yup."

"It's just as well that Hiei isn't around." She murmured. "Go right on in, Kuwabara."

Kuwabara did so, his heart stopping and then speeding up rapidly as he saw Yukina, the very picture of beauty as she put the kettle on to boil.

"Oh! Hello, Kuzuma-kun!" Yukina called cheerfully when she saw him. "Did you have a nice time?"

"Yes, and I- um, I brought you... Urk."

Genkai stepped around the tongue-tied young man. "He brought you a present." She said.

"Really? How nice! Let me see!"

Wordlessly and with face flaming with emotion, Kuwabara took the charm from inside his pocket and gave it to her.

"It's beautiful!" Yukina said in delight, putting it on.

"It's a protective charm." Kuwabara mumbled bashfully. "It won't let evil demons blast you to bits while you're wearing it."

Yukina laughed happily. "Oh, thank you, Kuzuma-kun!" Then she kissed him on the cheek.

They probably saw his reaction in Nagasaki.

ooooo

For the next three hours, as he lay in a dreamy stupor on the temple floor, Kuwabara was absolutely convinced that he had died and gone to heaven.

 **The End**


End file.
